RELATIONSHIP WORKSHEET
1. What qualities first drew me to my partner?
2. What troubling qualities does my partner have that are similar to my early caretakers?
3. What qualities does my partner have that I think I lack?
4. What needs am I (unsuccessfully) trying to meet through my relationship:
Understanding
Appreciation
Approval
Freedom
Other:
5. Which of the above needs did my early caretakers have difficulty meeting?
6. What opposite roles do my partner and I currently take (teacher/student, rigid/impulsive…)?
7. What action would I need to take to change conflicting roles in my relationship?
8. What facts about gender differences help me better understand my partner?
9. What changes would I need to make to better balance Yin/Yang qualities in myself?
10. What defend-withdraw-attack reactions do I use when communicating with my partner?
11. Which understand-express-defuse responses am I willing to start using regularly?
12. What am I currently doing to “fix” or tolerate relationship problems that is no longer working:
Nagging
Begging
Pleasing
Criticizing
Ignoring
Disagreeing
Other:
13. What could I do that would be the opposite or different from the above?
14. What things do (did) I do when my relationship is (was) going well that I no longer do?
15. What would my partner say I need to change for my relationship to improve?
16. What could I do to change how, where, and when a problem happens or who handles it?
17. What action could I take when attempts to solve a problem through talking are not working?
18. For which problems do I need strategies?
Selfishness
Distancing
Jealousy and control
Lack of Romance
Sexual problems and differences
Handling my partner’s upsets
Helping my partner handle my upsets
Preventing or making the best out of separations
19. What strategies am I willing to start using today?
a.
b.
c.
20. What strategies would my partner most like me to use?
a.
b.
c.
21. Does my relationship need more/less distance to add passion and romance?
22. If we have too much togetherness, what can I do to meet my own needs?
23. If there is too much distance, what fun, exciting, meaningful activities would I be willing to ask or arrange for my partner and I to do?
24. What caring behaviors would I be willing to ask for from my partner:
Hugs
Messages
Flowers
Cards
Other:
25. What things am I willing to do that would pleasantly surprise my partner?
26. What negative beliefs do I get about myself when my partner’s behavior disturbs me? What early life experiences first gave me those beliefs?
27. What positive beliefs would I like to adopt about myself instead?
28. What disorders do my partner or I have that could make progress difficult without help?
Tag: Relationships
DISORDERS THAT AFFECT RELATIONSHIPS
Not all relationship problems result from unhealthy patterns of interaction. Sometimes, one person has a disorder that has a direct impact on his or her partner. The better a spouse is able to recognize such disorders, the less chance there is of intensifying them. Mark any of the problems described below that may be affecting your relationship.
DISORDERS
Chemical dependency is one of the most common problems affecting relationships. It often goes unrecognized because the substance abuser is still able to work and is competent in many ways. Spouses who have been accused of being too tense or unreasonable often think they are overreacting. The truth is that whenever someone else’s use of drugs or alcohol is a problem for you, it is time to get help! Self-help groups such as AL-ANON and NAR-ANON address many of the problems non-using spouses face. Telephone listings for these organizations are found in most community phone books.
Sexual compulsions are another kind of addiction that have a tremendous impact on relationships. Normal differences in sex drive and interest can usually be worked out through empathy and good communication; but, when one person has a sexual compulsion, he or she can make demands or show interests outside the home that have a devastating impact on the relationship. Learn to recognize the signs of sexual addiction:
• A person feels compelled to have sex repeatedly within a short time period.
• Sexual activity becomes the only or main way a person has to relax or feel loved.
• Sexual interests cause a person to feel empty or remorseful afterward.
• Pursuit of sex interferes with family life, friendships, work, or school.
• Partners are pushed to engage in unwanted sexual activity.
• Contact with one’s spouse is replaced by such sexual activities as masturbation, pornography, chat rooms, massage parlors, telephone sex, or affairs.
Realizing that your partner’s sexual preoccupations have little to do with how much he or she loves you can free you from feeling unloved or inadequate. Take a firm but sympathetic approach by standing up for what is right for you sexually and setting limits on what you will not tolerate.
Sexual dysfunctions such as premature ejaculation, impotence, sexual aversion, underactive interest, underarousal, and inhibited orgasm can also cause relationship problems. Usually, these conditions are more easily recognized than sexual compulsions and there is less confusion about who needs help. If your partner has such a problem, it is important to realize that it is not a reflection of your attractiveness and that you cannot solve it by badgering him or her to be more sexual. If you are unable to resolve sexual differences on your own, persistently request that you and your partner seek help.
Obsessions and compulsions that are nonsexual also affect relationships. When a person is overconcerned with safety, tidiness, germs, and order, the whole household can be affected. Feeling as though you can never meet your partner’s standards may be an indicator that an obsession is operating. Seek help to distinguish between obsessions and standards that fall within the normal range. Let your partner know that compulsions can be treated with medication and therapy. Even if your partner won’t get help, recognizing obsessions for what they are will relieve you of the pressure of trying to satisfy them.
Depression and moodiness may go undetected in their milder forms. Your partner may be tired, withdrawn, unmotivated, and have little sexual desire. You may feel rejected or frustrated with this lack of initiative. At other times, your partner may show increased interest in sex, spending money, traveling, business ventures, new projects, religion, or talking, and cause you real concerns about his or her poor judgment. It is important to know that mood disorders are biochemical in nature and are very treatable. Assure your partner that feelings of hopelessness or (unrealistic) fears of losing “high energy” are part of the disorder and encourage him or her to seek help. Recognizing mood disorders for what they are will help you have more realistic expectations and develop your own sources of support for periods when your partner has little to offer.
Attention deficit (ADD) and hyperactive disorders (ADHD) are often missed in adults. One partner’s forgetfulness, disorganization, distractibility, impulsiveness, moodiness, restlessness, and temper may cause the other to become increasingly critical. The person with ADD withdraws, criticism mounts, and the added stress increases symptoms. Often, spontaneous ADD people and organized perfectionists are drawn to each other because they seek what they lack in themselves. This can greatly compound problems.
Personality disorders can significantly impair relationships and employment. People with this problem have a self-image that is dependent on the actions of others. They scrutinize their partner to find out if they are loveable, good enough, or safe. Their ability to look inside themselves for the cause of distress is limited, and they avoid painful emotions with anger, blame, distancing, fantasy, or addictions. In a no-win fashion, they vacillate between feeling abandoned or suffocated, thinking they’re superior or worthless, and fearing intimacy or isolation. Two personality disorders are especially toxic to relationships:
1. Erratic personalities seem to have stormy relationships with everyone. They may be unpredictable, engage in self-destructive behavior, act impulsively, avoid being alone, change moods wildly in just a few hours, and think in extremes (good/bad, black/white). At the same time, their passion and intensity can (initially) make them enticing. If your spouse has such a problem, it helps to avoid the extremes of withdrawing from or trying to control him or her. Over time, he or she may become more moderate. Long-term therapy and medication can help these people achieve more stability.
2. Defiant personalities have so little empathy for others and knowledge of right and wrong that fulfilling relationships (and therapy) are impossible. They may relate to others only to get sex, money, or power and be irresponsible, unlawful, violent, aggressive, impulsive, dishonest, reckless, or unfaithful. The more pronounced these traits are, the less hope there is of change. Because they know how to charm and con people, it may be difficult to face how destructive a relationship with them can be. The spouses of such people need to face their own addiction to control or “save” their partner.
BELIEFS THAT HELP RELATIONSHIPS
Often, problems that surface in relationships are indications of underlying self-destructive beliefs. If you have difficulty making changes that could help your marriage, it may be because of such ideas. These thoughts are not actually caused by your partner, but were instilled in you from early life experiences. To discover thoughts you have that cause relationship glitches, ask yourself:1
• When my partner’s behavior disturbs me, what does that mean about me?
• How do my partner’s upsetting actions make me feel about myself?
• When did I first have this disturbing thought(s) about myself?
Directions: Mark any of the thoughts in the table below that come to you during relationship problems. Then, mark any of the beliefs you would like to have when your partner upsets you.
Change Thoughts That Hurt into . . . Beliefs That Help Relationships
1. I have trouble asking my partner for help or expressing myself because I think:
I have to fix everything and keep others happy, or I’m a failure.
I’m not important.
I cannot get my needs met.
I can’t show emotions or express feelings.
2. I have trouble handling my partner when he or she is upset because I think:
I’m trapped, helpless, or powerless.
I have to get my way or I lose.
I’m responsible for others’ distress.
3. I have trouble when my partner wants distance or a separation because I think:
I’m alone or empty. No one is there for me.
I can’t survive if I’m “abandoned.”
There is only one right person for me.
4. I have trouble with jealousy and control because I think:
I’m stupid or foolish if I’m deceived.
I can’t trust anyone.
Other: I can ask for help or express myself when I believe:
I can understand others without having to fix them or keep them happy.
I am important.
I can get my needs met.
I can show emotions, express my feelings, etc.
I can handle my partner’s distress when I think:
I have options and choices; I can do something.
I can do things to reach a satisfying solution.
I decide when I contribute to others’ distress.
I can handle my partner’s desire for distance or a separation when I believe:
I can find many sources of support.
I can enjoy myself without my partner.
I can love more than one person in a lifetime.
I do not have difficulty with jealousy when I believe:
Deception is caused by my partner’s dishonesty.
I can take appropriate action when I’m deceived.
I can find people to trust.
When your relationship is going well, the above desired beliefs may seem completely true. It will be harder to maintain them during conflicts of interest or when your needs are not being met. Affirming new thought patterns regularly will help you adopt positive beliefs that can overcome your resistance to change and put you and your partner on the fast track to relationship success.
1 See EMDR: The Breakthrough Therapy by Francine Shapiro (Basic Books, 1997) and A Guide to Rational Living by Ellis (Wilshire Books, 1997) for further long-established ideas on how thoughts affect emotions.
UNDERSTANDING YOUR FAMILY DRAMA
Do you ever feel as if you’re trapped in the web of your own personal family soap opera, unable to make a move without inviting disapproval or “wounding” someone? Have you ever thought you escaped your past, only to find yourself caught in dramas with spouses, children, friends, or coworkers? Expressing your individuality or differentiating while remaining close to your family can break this distressing cycle, but this is not easy. Recognizing how expressions of individuality become stalled can help you avoid problems:1
• Early in life, you have an outer, false self that keeps you attached and in harmony with those on whom you depend. This false self is capable of acting, pretending, and doing whatever is necessary for the sake of survival.
• Beneath the outer layer is a solid self that strives to be unique and self-governing. When your caretakers are threatened by differences, you may feel unsafe shedding your outer, false self. Your priority becomes maintaining the bonds of survival by fusing or acting as though you are one with others.
• At some point, the desire for independence pushes from within. An emotional cutoff can happen in an impulsive burst. At this stage, you may become rebellious, withdrawn, a relationship nomad, “ruggedly independent,” or you may move a great distance from home.
• Surprisingly, attempts to fuse with the first appealing person often follow an emotional cutoff. Initially, the new relationship masquerades as freedom. Eventually, the desire for independence surfaces, causing another emotional cutoff. The more intense the cutoff, the more likely it is that a cycle of fusing and cutting off will repeat itself in other relationships.
DIFFERENTIATION IN MARRIAGE
Courtship is usually the most open period in a relationship, when people express many of their thoughts, feelings, and fantasies. However, after marriage, each spouse becomes sensitive to subjects that upset the other and avoidance of differences begins. When the urge to merge conflicts with the reality of differences, problems develop. Clinging, pleading, helplessness, aloofness, rigidity, arguing, and possessiveness, all indicate anxiety about differences. There are three ways that friction in the struggle for oneness is handled:
1. Dominance/yielding: One spouse becomes dominant and appears rigid, and the other adapts and becomes pliant. Neither person is in touch with his or her true needs. One is constantly giving up self-awareness and the other is overextended. In times of stress, the yielding spouse loses the ability to function and becomes physically sick, depressed, or acts out impulsively. If the dysfunctional spouse dies or takes a healthy stance, the rigid spouse can collapse into the dysfunctional position. In a healthy marriage, the dominant and yielding roles are not fixed. Spouses can alternate roles with ease, and both are comfortable assuming the leadership of the family.
2. Marital conflict: The outer, false selves of both spouses are rigid and resistant to differences. The couple alternates between periods of intense closeness and periods of distance and conflict. During the latter, divorce can occur. Sometimes, conflict evolves from dominant/yielding patterns. The compliant spouse refuses to continue in the role and becomes rigid. The couple may be able to bypass a divorce crisis if one spouse begins to express individuality without being influenced by the other’s distress about changes in long-standing patterns.
1 Murray Bowen’s ideas on differentiation are summarized in Family Therapy in Clinical Practice (Jason Aronson, 1978).
3. Triangulation and projection: Spouses avoid differences and conflict by forming alliances with children or by focusing on “disturbances” in a vulnerable third party. The conflict between the parents is then displaced or projected onto the emotional state of the child, as the following examples show:
• A mother who does not feel sufficient levels of closeness with her husband tries to meet her emotional needs with her child. The child exhibits the mother’s rejection anxiety by being fearful of school.
• If a father is missing intimacy, he may overfocus on his daughter. The mother supports this bond, as it enables her to avoid anxieties that closeness triggers. At puberty, “Daddy’s girl” takes drastic action to break away through an unwanted pregnancy.
Sometimes, all three patterns of domination, conflict, and triangulation can operate to form a very complex system. When tension is great, other people get involved to form interlocking triangles. Social service agencies can even become entangled with a family during crises.
DIFFERENTIATION IN “RECREATED” FAMILIES
Those who cut off from parents and later from spouses often seek intense relationships at work and in social settings. These environments can provide a “safe” means for satisfying emotional needs without the demands of intimacy. Gossiping, alliances, and coalitions in these groups imitate the triangles that occur in families. Expressing opinions by saying “I agree with . . . that . . .” or siding with one of two conflicting parties suggests that triangulation is taking place. You can differentiate in such organizations by having some differing views while remaining involved with the group.
BECOMING YOUR OWN PERSON
Despite an obstacle course of emotional cutoff, conflict, and projection, there are young people who find a way to develop their own views and make independent decisions. In adolescence, some denial of attachment to parents and fusion with peers is necessary, and the more differences a family tolerates, the smoother the journey out of the nest will be. In adulthood, the differentiated individual can have close, intimate relationships while pursuing outside interests. Regardless of the group or relationship you are in, you can avoid alliances and triangles so that you can be tethered to loved ones without being tied.